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I don't wish I were dead some days.

I just wish things were different.  In a lot of ways.

This might kill me.   I can't be this way.  In December things were fine.   It's been almost a year and I can['t do it again.  I can't be optimistic or hopeful, or go through the same damn shit.  I've fallen so far away from where I want to be that I truly don't WANT to try anymore.  And I couldn't care less if things get fixed, because it wasn't me trying.  Yipee I have a fucking job.  Woo Hoo, some things might go well in my life.  It's too fucking late.

It doesn't matter if I don't think it is.  What's the point of trying if all you get is shit on?  Seriously, that fucking incident at the beginning of the year made me lose faith in everything.   And while I wish there was [more than anyone knows] something someone could do or say - I don't know if there is.   Will someone commit murder for me?  And even if they do, will that change how much this has fucked me over? 

Yes.  Yes it will.  And that IS about the only thing that will.  My only other option is dying.  And I'm not exaggerating. 

Just for fucking once world... let me win.,  Let me fucking win.  I'm not looking for anyone to coddle me or whatever.  And I'm not looking for insults.  I just want a real motherfucking way out, a *real* way out.  Not many people get it.  I worked for a long time to get myself working in a certain way.  And that got FUCKED.  And I don't want to do it again, because it should be automatic.  And if it's not, I don't want to and cannot happily live with it.

And I don't settle for this fucking half assed watered down version of life that most people seem content with. 


pic#47811455 evil
obsidian phoenix

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