I HAVE DIED!

I WILL BE BORN AGAIN.

THIS IS STUPID!

and yeah, things got a whole lot worse...

I don't wish I were dead some days.

I just wish things were different.  In a lot of ways.

This might kill me.   I can't be this way.  In December things were fine.   It's been almost a year and I can['t do it again.  I can't be optimistic or hopeful, or go through the same damn shit.  I've fallen so far away from where I want to be that I truly don't WANT to try anymore.  And I couldn't care less if things get fixed, because it wasn't me trying.  Yipee I have a fucking job.  Woo Hoo, some things might go well in my life.  It's too fucking late.

It doesn't matter if I don't think it is.  What's the point of trying if all you get is shit on?  Seriously, that fucking incident at the beginning of the year made me lose faith in everything.   And while I wish there was [more than anyone knows] something someone could do or say - I don't know if there is.   Will someone commit murder for me?  And even if they do, will that change how much this has fucked me over? 

Yes.  Yes it will.  And that IS about the only thing that will.  My only other option is dying.  And I'm not exaggerating. 


Just for fucking once world... let me win.,  Let me fucking win.  I'm not looking for anyone to coddle me or whatever.  And I'm not looking for insults.  I just want a real motherfucking way out, a *real* way out.  Not many people get it.  I worked for a long time to get myself working in a certain way.  And that got FUCKED.  And I don't want to do it again, because it should be automatic.  And if it's not, I don't want to and cannot happily live with it.

And I don't settle for this fucking half assed watered down version of life that most people seem content with. 

  Egyptologists think they have Hatshepsut's mummy

Her mummy may have been hidden in the tomb for safekeeping after her death because her stepson and successor, Tuthmosis III, tried to obliterate her memory.

Donald Ryan, an Egyptologist who rediscovered the tomb in 1989, said on an Internet discussion board this month that there were many possibilities for the identities of the two female mummies found in the tomb, known as KV 60.

"Zahi Hawass recently has taken some major steps to address these questions. Both of the KV 60 mummies are in Cairo now and are being examined in various clever ways that very well might shed light on these questions," he added.

In an undated article on his Web site, Hawass cast doubt on the theory that the KV-60 mummy with the folded right arm was that of Hatshepsut.

"I do not believe this mummy is Hatshepsut. She has a very large, fat body with huge pendulous breasts, and the position of her arm is not convincing evidence of royalty," he wrote.

He was more optimistic about the mummy found in the wet-nurse's coffin and traditionally identified as the nurse's. That mummy is stored away in the Egyptian Museum in Cairo.

"The body of the mummy now in KV 60 with its huge breasts may be the wetnurse, the original occupant of the coffin ... The mummy on the third floor at the Egyptian Museum in Cairo could be the mummy of Hatshepsut," Hawass wrote.

don't expect me here tomorrow.

I'm done.

all I'm getting from my tarot readings is futility and failure.

maybe I should just kick the bucket now and call it a life. I do actually have some hope for the future - but the cards are never fucking wrong. How many more disappointments and stupid things do I have waiting in the wings?

Goddamnit life, fuck you.

psychicvampire.org

I actually like this site.

fuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck you

I started a new psi-vamp group.

Feel free to read over the info and submit an inquery to join if so desired.

catalyst_s

I'm...

still alive.

No internet access at home. Still breathing. Enjoying the fuck out of the new year.

kthanksbye.

:D

part of my problem right now is that I'm experiencing some things I haven't experienced since I was a stupid little shit... namely just some issues that were never clarified or resolved or things I didn't let myself do. Maybe it's just time I learned how to deal with them the right way in the present so they don't fuck me up again. Like - damn. I know expressing some things iosn't me going back into the past - it's just paranoia in my head. And blah blah blah. I'm going to have problems no matter where I am. And I think I need to understand that so I can go to the places I want to go and have those fucking problems there. Sounds weird, no? Even if I go to place B, I'll still have problems. New problems. And that's appealing.

wow. I must be really pissy today - one of my coworkers tried to grab my tits and was fucking around with me and I punched a door. I think I freaked someone else out. Let that be a lesson to anyone who thinks about touching me when I expressly say I don't want to be touched.

took like 80 pictures for disko nekro last night out of less than 80 people. my keyboard is covered in debris fromold lasanga my cats spilled. you're a poo head if you don't try to make something new out of something old. and I'm eating cheeseburgers from mcdonalds trying not to be a poohead.

people are stupid. I hung around with some guy and then just wanted him to go the hell away. yes I'm fine - whatever. 000 guess it doesn't matter - everything is reset and ashton's just being an idiot. I sowwy. methinks I will avoid old people until mes is sane and hope for best conclusion. mes no want to cause trouble with anyone. mah sanity metre should go up a few notiches soon. when I'm not drunk.

thank you to xian for the yummy fake food and goodnight.

the people at the dungeon are coming to watch me get peirced on saaaaaturday - I have no clue why. maybe they're being nice? it's still weird... like being part of a freak show... eh?

I'm prolly getting my neck or back pierced. Up to Louis. Mmmm... french fries and marlboro reds. I'm not going to say anything serious.

never trust anyone.

A-M-F's

A Symphony of Flesh

Live 09. September 2006 in Los Angeles!

more info below:

==================================================================

***FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE***

Bluegirl Productions and Dapper Cadaver Present:
"Scream Queen"
A horrific celebration and retrospect of horror film, B-movies, and macabre Hollywood Babylon!

Hollywood, CA - Saturday, September 9, 2006

Calling all "Scream Queens" and "Serial Killers"! Saturday September 9, 2006 will be an evening to die for on Hollywood Boulevard!

Well, at least you could pretend to be a serial killer, supernatural fiend or scream queen from your favorite horror flick for one horrific night as you dress as your favorite Hollywood horror/b-movie film star. If "serial killer chic" isn't your style, you could dress up as a cult murder victim (Sharon Tate, perhaps?) to honor her memory. Scream Queens of all types are welcomed too, drag or otherwise. Just be creative and get your screaming voice ready! Your efforts to dress up will not be in vain as prizes will be given for best dressed as well as other contests throughout the evening.
Hollywood Boulevard (at Western) will be lit up with frighteningly great ART, featuring works for the occasion by Gidget Gein, VK7, Louisa Greenstock, Jason Hadley, Ramzi Abed, Louis Fleischauer, Julie Simone, Chuck Hodi, Ver Mar, Heidi Calvert, and others.
CHILLING Performance Art will entertain and thrill you, featuring Chain Goddess (www.climb-acts.com/), Miss Satanica, Sir Witch, Jezebelle X (www.jezebelle-x.com/), Edie Politoske, and Miss Bianca (http://www.missbianca.com/)!

AMF presents "A Symphony of Flesh"!

GHASTLY marionette show by Ni?os de la Tierra! (www.myspace.com/losninosdelatierra)

LIVE MUSIC to DIE FOR by Cabinet of Curiosities (www.myspace.com/cabinetofcuriosities)
In-between the macabre menagerie of entertainment, "dance your life away" to sounds curated by The Peppermint Zebra and "DJ bluegirl"
SPOOKY Film Projections courtesy of world-renowned director and photographer Dean Karr (www.myspace.com/deankarrdirector), and Ramzi Abed/Bloodshot Pictures (http://www.bloodshotpictures.com/) who will be projecting a very special silent sneak peak at his much anticipated and currently unreleased film "Who Killed the Black Dahlia?", which features some of the night's artists and performers as well as other Los Angeles legends, including Miss Satanica, Gidget Gein, Director Ramzi Abed and more!
What is a horror party without screaming bloody murder? Well, demonstrate your best, or worst, shrill scream for our Screaming Contest and win fabulous prizes!
"Scream Queen" shall take place on:
Saturday, September 9, 2006
9PM-2AM
at
Dapper Cadaver (formerly bluespace)
5519 Hollywood Blvd.
Hollywood, CA
http://www.dappercadaver.com/
http://www.bluegirlproductions.com/

Admission: $7, or $5 if in costume

I <3 the Gimp. It's almost as good as photoshop.

fuck the recursion loop/

Where will it get you?

I don't even wanna go to work now. But I will.

maybe I am petty and cruel. my well wishes are slowly turning to stone. what's the point of having them, if they're ignored or not appreciated or turned away. I don't want to convince anyone of anything. I'm just starting not to care. Because it all seems unwanted. This has little effect on me. I used to care more. The sentiment is still there, in spades. but until it's appreciated, I will keep fucking quiet. I still sense conflict. And petty reactions. I'm tired of the game. I can't verbalize what I want. I can't.

Everything. is. a. trap.

This is worthless.

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...damn I'm hot. ♥